title: the Vows we Break
fandom: Hikaru no Go
characters/pairings: Shindou Masao/OMC(s), Shindou Mitsuko, Hikaru/Akira, Touya Akiko & Kouyo
rating: Mature
warnings: sex, cheating, stabbing
summary: Shindou Masao has a midlife crisis, which may or may not have something to do with his son.
notes: written for the hikago big bang. this is essentially original!fic, given that it primarily revolves around a character than never appears in the manga or the anime. for anyone willing to take a chance and read it anyway, i deeply appreciate it. i've written Shindou Masao as gay before, so that idea has somewhat been in my head for a while. this fic could be seen as a sequel to 1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes, though it would be the most absurd sequel ever, since that fic was 357 words, and this one is over 55,000.

March



He was starting to feel like the world's biggest idiot.

Taking a sip of his drink, Masao scanned the crowd once again. He'd worked until everyone else in the office was gone and it was past nine, called Mitsuko and told her not to wait up for him, left his tie in his desk, and, for the third night in a row now, he'd come to a gay bar, to nurse a drink and wonder what the hell he was doing. He knew one thing - he didn't want to keep making the same mistake over and over again. If he had to admit that maybe, just possibly, Hikaru's 'coming out' had sparked something in him, at least he could keep his ridiculous behavior out of the office. He'd have to make things clear with Kinjou-kun, but he could manage that easily enough.

But entering the 'gay scene' at his age...? Masao sighed heavily, and took another drink.

The first night, he'd ascertained that he wasn't just stupidly horny. He'd seen plenty of men that he was sure he'd have no problem getting it up for, but none that compelled him to overcome his uneasiness to approach. If he wasn't just looking to get laid, though, then... why did Hikaru's relationship affect him? He was happy that he wasn't jealous that his son was having sex with another guy (and he sure as hell didn't want to devote any brain power to the idea of his son having sex at all), but he was feeling more and more that he was jealous of something.

The acceptance Hikaru got? That was possible. But, it was useless to be jealous of that, since it was something Masao couldn't hope to ever have.

The other possibility was... because Hikaru... was in love...

He really didn't want to think that he was so petty and childish that he'd be jealous of the fact that his son was in love. Even if he was, which he refused to admit, it wasn't as if Masao could hope to find love in a bar, so.

What the hell was he doing?

"You look lost."

Startled out of his reverie, Masao looked at the person who had spoken. He smiled nervously. "Well... That's a pretty good description of my life, I guess. It's that obvious, huh?"

The other man smiled slightly, looking equally nervous. Ah, that was good. He was younger than Masao, but enough older than most of the clientele that Masao didn't feel like it was some sort of trick. He had dyed his hair dirty blond, and he had three earrings in one ear. His face was average-to-decent, he had some scruffy hair on his chin, he wore John Lennon-style glasses, his body was all right, he was about a centimeter or two shorter than Masao, and his clothes were pretty casual. He'd put one hand on the bar, so Masao was able to get a good look.

Masao's heart started to thump in his chest, and he felt an unfamiliar tingle spread through his body.

The other man had gorgeous hands. Long, tapered fingers with well-groomed fingernails, kept short... no obvious hair or wrinkles or knobby knuckles... he did have a callus on his index finger, and some smudges and dust from ink or possibly pencil lead... These were definitely the hands of an artist.

"I doubt you're the only one here who's lost," the man congenially suggested, still smiling. Masao had to practically bite his lip to keep from touching the man's hand. "People only come to this sort of place... looking for something, mm?"

Masao grinned a bit. Flirting, he could handle. He still wanted to be touched by this man, though. "Oh? What are you looking for? If... you don't mind my asking?" he shifted his body so he was leaning toward the other man more distinctly. He glanced down at the hand on the bar again.

"Me?" the man laughed, but he was aware of Masao's body. Masao could tell. He edged a bit closer to Masao, too. "I didn't really have anything specific in mind. I guess I must have been looking for a lonely, older man, though, seeing how things have worked out."

Masao had to laugh at that. "Lonely... older, huh?" He brushed his hair back, slowly. Well, that was fine. It wasn't like it wasn't true. "You must be quite perceptive, then. To detect that so easily."

"The lonely part or the older part?" he was teased. The man was watching his hand, though. And the hand on the bar was coming temptingly closer.

"Oh, I'm... not under any illusions that the older isn't quite obvious," Masao assured him.

"That is a very nice suit," the man noted. His eyes raked over Masao's suit, every inch of it.

Masao could work with that. "Oh, this?" He opened his jacket a bit, displaying his waistcoat... and his body... as if he were doing so casually. "Nah, this is just a sign of my... loneliness. That I end up coming to a place like this straight from work." He slid his hand closer to the man's beautiful hand on the bar. Was it... too soon to try to touch him? Masao was hopelessly out of the loop.

"A salaryman," the man laughed a bit, nodding. Well, of course. That was obvious. Just like it was obvious that the man wanted to touch Masao's suit. He was welcome to, of course... "Probably a manager, at least, right? A diligent worker... and...

"You're married, right?"

Masao felt coldness wash through him. The man's tone changed slightly when he asked that. And... oh, right. Masao... wore his wedding ring.

Damn.

"Well..." he half covered his face with his hand. Damn it, damn it, damn it... "I feel pretty foolish. That's problematic, isn't it?"

He still wanted to touch, be touched... He started to feel a little desperate.

The other man looked away, but it seemed like he was trying to hide his disappointment. "I... would bet that at least half the men here are married. Especially, you know, the older ones. But... for me... it's a problem, yeah. I don't get involved with married men..."

Masao's heart was pounding. It was a problem... but the other man hadn't moved away. He hadn't pulled his hand back, or taken a more defensive posture.

It was a problem. For both of them, but.

Masao reached out and caressed the other man's hand. Ah...! The skin was smooth, and just touching it was exciting. Masao... should know better than to even think about wanting something. However...

It was impossible not to want when something you desperately craved and never got to have was presented to you.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to cause problems." He continued to caress the man's hand, and even leaned a bit closer. He could smell the man. He wanted...

"Nobody... ever wants to cause problems..." the man said, looking torn. His nostrils flared, though, as Masao's fingers slipped around his wrist to move up his palm. The man's lips tightened into a firm line, and then he looked Masao in the eye.

He reached out and took a fistful of the collar of Masao's waistcoat, and then he kissed Masao. Immediately, Masao moved closer, deepening the kiss. He felt a little self-conscious, for a host of reasons. He slipped his fingers between the fingers of the man, and held his hand tightly.

He would take whatever this man would offer him, and it would... have to be enough. If it was a problem that Masao was married, that meant this man wasn't just looking for a quickie or a one night stand. Masao wasn't either, though he had no idea what he was looking for, anyway.

One spectacular kiss, which ended with their bodies painfully close together, and the man's hand on Masao's hip, caressing, was more than he had hoped for, but Masao was still looking. Wanting.

"You know this is a mistake, right?" he said, almost like he was talking to himself.

"I make a lot of mistakes," Masao admitted, reaching out tentatively to touch the other man's hip. That contact, and the subsequent position of their bodies, elevated his heart rate even more. And.

Damn, he was reacting, wasn't he?

"I guess you're not that old, huh?" the man murmured, looking down the line of their bodies. Masao turned red. "Unless you've taken something...?"

"I'm not that old!" Masao objected, though he had to laugh. It was just too damned embarrassing.

They were kissing again, and this time, their bodies pressed right against each other. The man caressed his hip, and then his ass. Masao could definitely feel it, an uncomfortable, exciting heat, spreading out from his lower body. It was a shameful and beautiful reaction.

He hadn't felt this way... in two decades.

Their kiss broke off, and the other man rubbed his chin against Masao's, letting Masao feel the hair there. This was all going to end up being bad for his heart...

"Mm. I don't... get involved with married men... not... Hm. But, well. I guess it would be ok if it was just sex."

Masao's eyes widened. It was like he was drowning, and he was thrown a lifeline. Or, maybe, like something had grabbed his ankle and pulled him under. They kissed again, Masao pressing his hand to the other's man's back, enough so he could feel that he wasn't the only one reacting.

Want was devouring him.

"Th-that's... sure. Then. Ah. Y-your place?" He'd never really done this before. Meeting someone somewhere, getting so excited by it, going someplace to... have sex...

He felt like a goddamned teenager.

The other man looked conflicted. Oh, maybe he expected...? "Well, I've never really liked love hotels." He looked away, hiding his expression. He looked back and Masao shyly. He seemed about to say something, but then he thought better of it.

Masao couldn't offer his own place, and that was better left unsaid.

They left the bar together.

Out on the street, he was able to keep the man's hand firmly in his own. It was gratifying that the man was holding on, too. The street was a bit noisy, and they simply headed straight to the station. Masao's deeply ingrained sense of personal shame took over, and he let go of the man's hand as they waited for the train. Feeling awkward, he tried to think of something to talk about except sex, which was pretty much all he could think about.

Sex, and those hands.

"You don't do this very much."

Masao practically jumped out of his skin, which made the man laugh. He looked younger and more handsome when he was laughing. Masao thought about their kisses. He thought about touching him. "I guess... it's pretty obvious. I don't ever do this," Masao admitted.

The man gave him a bit of a funny look. "You're not going to tell me this is your first time, because I won't believe you."

Masao flushed. No, he really didn't want to be confused with a virgin at his age. "N-no, that's not what I meant. I meant... since I was married..."

"Ah, of course. You're a good husband, huh?" the man had a funny look on his face.

"No, I'm not," Masao shook his head emphatically. He really... shouldn't get into that...

The man raised his eyebrow, but he didn't comment. Masao's throat went dry. He could still screw this up, right? Or maybe... it was getting harder to think of this as a mistake. The train pulled in, and they found themselves in an empty car, near the back.

Even if the car was empty, Masao knew that at the next station, there could be much less... open-minded people coming on, but he still couldn't keep from sitting rather close, and putting his arm on the back of the seat. The way the other man was looking at him, he might not be able to control himself if they remained alone.

"So how long have you been married?"

Masao's mind swum a bit. This was small talk, right? He could handle that, probably. "Oh... ah... it'll be twenty years... later this year."

That seemed to surprise the other man. "Tw-twenty years? You're not telling me that you've been celibate all that time? Impossible."

"Ah, that's... no, I mean..." Masao cleared his throat. "My wife and I... don't have that kind of relationship, really. My son is eighteen now." He didn't really think it was appropriate to talk about his relationship with Mitsuko with the man he intended to have sex with, but he also felt strange about leaving him with the wrong impression.

"O-okay..." Masao was getting looked at strangely. "So what about men. Since... we've established that I'm not your first."

He had such an adorable little coy smile. Masao found himself leaning closer. "Oh... well, I had a roommate in college..."

"Is that what they called it back in the day," he laughed.

Masao had to grin. "Well, basically, yeah."

"And so after college..." he was prodded.

"After college... I got married."

"Right away?" he asked, a bit taken aback.

"It was a cause of great concern to many interested parties," Masao nodded solemnly. "The campaign began my last year of college, and continued on until I was literally shoved into a room with a girl and had the door slammed behind me."

It was funny, so Masao didn't blame him for laughing, but he just felt guilty, thinking back. Poor Mitsuko had no idea what she was getting herself into...

"A forced omiai. How quaint," he grinned.

"I... knew I was never going to be a... good husband. In many ways. So I always thought I would... at least provide for her, and be faithful," Masao explained, feeling more nervous and embarrassed with each word.

And guiltier. That had been his code, for so long. And now... he was tossing it aside?

He wanted to be touched by this man, though...

"S-so... in twenty years... you never..." the man looked incredulous. It was a little hard to believe, huh?

"Well, essentially..." Masao hedged.

"There is no essentially with this!" the man laughed. "It's yes/no."

Masao looked away, knowing he was blushing. "I've, uh, had a few slips. Recently. With. A coworker."

"Ooh, scandalous. And sexy!"

"No," Masao shook his head. "Dangerous, and stupid. And he's not even really my type."

"Oh, no?" the man raised his eyebrow, but his nostrils flared.

They were still alone. It was fine. He picked up the man's hand, and raised his index finger to his lips, kissing the ink marks gently. "Mm. I've always had a weakness for... artists."

The man gaped, and then flushed completely. "H-how did you...?"

Masao separated the man's index finger and showed him the black stains, and then he kissed the finger again. "It's pretty obvious. I used to be a calligrapher, before I sold my soul to the corporation, so."

The man was smiling, engaged... he moved closer to Masao. They both wanted to kiss.

The train pulled into the station, the doors opened, and someone got in. A group of three college-aged looking guys.

A distance appeared between them. Masao cleared his throat. He wasn't thinking clearly... but he didn't want to anymore. "What's your name?" he asked quietly.

The man laughed. They looked each other in the eye, both smiling. "It's... It's Yoshizawa. Yoshizawa Jun."

Masao even liked the sound of his name. He wanted to know how it was written. He wanted to know... a lot about Yoshizawa Jun. "Shindou Masao."

"Masao, ah?" Jun replied, smiling cheekily. "How old are you, exactly, Masao?"

"I'm forty-two," Masao admitted, hoping that wasn't a huge turn-off. It didn't seem to be, so... "And you are?"

"Ah... I'm thirty-seven. So you don't really get to brag that much," Jun teased him.

"And you don't get to make fun of my age so much!" Masao shot back.

"It's a critical five year difference! We're on different sides of that decade marker there!" Jun returned easily.

They arrived at their station.

Masao trailed after Jun, who was walking fast. The sooner they got to his place, the better. Every step just made Masao more nervous, made the situation more immediate. There was no way he was going to back out, but he felt like...

He should have had more to drink at the bar, maybe.

Jun's building was the type with walkways outside. His apartment was on the second floor. He fumbled with his keys a little bit as he opened the door. Masao's heart was just pounding. He'd probably die of heart failure here in this apartment. That would be horrible for Mitsuko, but.

Masao was kind of looking forward to it.

They got inside, the door was closed. They were taking off their shoes, but Masao moved closer to Jun, touched his face... They were kissing again, and this time, it was more heated, sloppier...

Jun broke away and grinned, stepped up into his apartment proper. "Don't be in such a rush. At your age, this'll be over in ten minutes if I let you set the pace."

"Shut up," Masao laughed. "You damned brat."

Jun was still grinning as he helped Masao take off his jacket. "You want something to drink?" he asked, huskily.

Masao was floored. "Ah... I... I don't want... impose... ah, I mean..." he floundered.

Jun laughed, and kissed him again. "Relax, old man, relax!"

Masao shook his head, blushing. "I'll have whatever you're going to have, then."

"Ok. Two milk of magnesiums, coming up," Jun winked at him.

Masao didn't know what to do with himself. He watched Jun in the kitchen, and then he looked around nervously. The apartment was compact and efficiently laid out. The kitchen was just to the right, and the living room to the left. In the back, clearly, there was a bath and a bedroom, but they weren't visible from the front. There was a lot of wood, and tatami mats. The living room had just a console against the wall with a television and a lot of books, a small table covered in papers, and a couch.

Ah, that was...

He went over to the couch, and picked up some of the papers on the small table. "Ah, you're a mangaka." He looked over the page. It wasn't like he followed the story at all, just looking at a page at random, but he was still impressed. He'd never seen a page of original art from a manga before. He was surprised by how beautiful the lines were.

"H-hey! You're not supposed to look at that!" Jun complained from the kitchen.

"It's just sitting out!" Masao countered. He put that down, though. Under the table, there was an artist's sketchbook. He picked it up and started to flip through it. His whole body started to react. It had been so long since he'd been with a real artist, not just someone designing logos for a new product. This was good stuff, too. Even just random still life images were done well.

"Do you always just go into a person's house and start going through their stuff?" Jun asked, taking the sketchbook away from Masao. He replaced the book with a can of beer. He shoved the book under the couch, and picked up the can he'd set down next to the table and sat down next to Masao.

They were sitting on the couch together. Jun's knee was touching his. "Well, yeah, actually. I don't usually get invited back to places," Masao confessed. He was thinking just a moment ago that he needed more alcohol in his blood, and yet he could barely taste the beer.

"Are you sure that's just because of your snooping? Could be other reasons..." Jun teased him.

Masao liked being teased like this. "Oh, well, of course there's the matter of my terrible personality and all."

"I was thinking more like bad technique or something, but maybe that's just because I've got sex on my brain," Jun smirked.

Sex on the... Masao tried to cover his embarrassment by taking a sip, but he nearly spilled his beer.

"You really are out of practice, old man," Jun laughed.

"Yeah, I am. I forget, which part goes where again?" he teased back.

"Don't worry, it's like riding a bike. So to speak," Jun assured him.

That put bike riding into a whole different light. It was incredible how easy it was to smile around Jun. "That could be problematic, then. I was never that good on a bike."

"Well, that doesn't bode well," Jun laughed. It was a good laugh. Masao reached out and touched Jun's chin, rubbing the short hairs there. Jun looked at him, his eyes still sparkling with mirth. He leaned in and Masao leaned in, and then they were kissing again.

Like high school kids. Except, Masao never kissed anyone in high school.

Jun's fingers pushed into Masao's hair, and Masao put his hand on Jun's thigh. Just being touched by those fingers... was enough to excite Masao. He grabbed Jun's waist, and tugged him closer. Jun was entirely on board with the plan, and scooted right into Masao's lap. Jun's hands moved down to Masao's neck, and he snatched one of those hands and kissed Jun's fingers, one by one.

"You really have a fetish, don't you?" Jun asked, a little short of breath, as he caressed the fabric of Masao's jacket.

Amused, Masao nibbled on the tip of Jun's index finger as he watched Jun continue to pet the cloth. "Mm. We seem quite compatible as far as fetishes go." Jun blushed, looking too adorable to ignore. He gently bit Jun's lower lip, and then pulled him closer.

Jun moved his hand down, rubbing Masao's crotch. "I think I should get you out of this fine suit before you make a mess of yourself," he teased huskily. He leaned in, enjoying Masao's weakness from pleasure. He nipped at Masao's earlobe. "So, old man? It's been a while for you. What do you want?"

There was only one thing in Masao's mind. He looked Jun in the eye. "In me. I want to feel you... in me..."

Grinning, Jun kissed him wolfishly, like he was thinking of devouring Masao right there. What a pleasant thought. Jun was standing up, though, and he definitely wanted Masao to stand up, too. This was... somewhat difficult... but...

Jun ran his hands over Masao's chest. "First thing is to get you out of this suit. Then I think you'll want to wash up. I'm thinking I can help you with that." Jun looked devilishly excited. He grabbed Masao by the lapels and led him back, toward the back of the apartment, toward the bathroom, toward the bedroom. Jun kept feeling Masao's suit, rubbing his chest, and when they got outside his bedroom, he started to unbutton Masao, but excruciatingly slowly. Masao watched those hands, feeling the blood pounding through his body.

"You know, if you throw my suit down and start fucking it, I'm going to be really jealous," he said in as conversational a tone as he could manage.

Jun looked at him and grinned. "It is a very nice suit. I think I could get along with it very well."

Masao put his arms around Jun and pulled him close. "Get along with me," he suggested, underscoring his point by kissing Jun powerfully.

He was getting less and less clothed, which was good. He felt a bit embarrassed, because even though there wasn't much light back where they were, he still felt a bit self-conscious. He wasn't sure what sort of men Jun was used to, but he had the sense that Jun wasn't the type to sleep around normally, so he felt a certain degree of pressure.

This whole situation was completely out of control. He realized that before he began, and yet he was still eager to continue. Eager, maybe even desperate. He hadn't felt this way for so long that he didn't want to think about it because the last thing he wanted to think about at this exact moment was how old he was.

He just wanted to feel.

Jun's beautiful fingers were letting his pants drop, and then were squeezing Masao's ass. He was now so hard he felt like he could drill some nails. He was wet, and Jun was moving down to take off his underwear and socks. He was going to be naked soon, and Jun was just about on his knees. Masao leaned back against the wall, and just tried to hold on.

The hot tongue that ran up his length nearly made him come.

Jun laughed softly. "You really are ready to burst. I guess you're as wound up as you say. Are you going to be able to hold out? Think you can come more than once?"

"Don't tease the elderly," Masao rejoined, though he was losing his breath. "Think you can make me come more than once?"

"That sounds like a challenge," Jun grinned.

"Then, please," Masao instructed, but he was really just begging.

Jun, however, stood up. He took off his own shirt, just pulling it over his head, not bothering with the buttons. Unlike Masao's shirt, which got hung from a hanger on the door, he tossed his aside. He watched as Masao watched him pull down his pants and kick them away. Masao whimpered as Jun's beautiful fingers slipped into his underwear, and slowly, slowly, slowly pulled them down.

They were naked together in a hallway, and Masao couldn't think.

That seemed to be fine, as Jun was more than able to think for the both of them. He took Masao by the hands and led him into the bathroom. He had Masao sit on the side of the tub while he started the water, and then he fished something out from under the sink.

Tubing.

Jun grinned at him, and it was a beautiful thing, a wonderful expression that made Masao's heart do little leaps in his chest. "We really have to clean you out. Since it's been a while and all. You're thinking about it, right? My fingers... on your body... moving inside of you..."

Masao couldn't take it, and he couldn't speak. But he could grab Jun and hold onto him, kiss him... Jun was getting hard, too, which was good. It would be shameful if he was doing all this with Jun naked and Jun wasn't reacting. Jun squeezed the base of Masao's cock, and Masao's mind simply stopped working.

He didn't need to think to follow Jun's instructions and get in the tub. He didn't need to think while Jun used bath oil to coax him to relax, or when Jun started to press the tube into him. When the hot water was rushing inside of him, it wasn't as if thinking would have made the experience any sharper, clearer, more exciting.

He knew that he came in the tub, and he knew that Jun was laughing, but he was too eager to be touching, feeling, needing, so he just latched onto Jun. He made it difficult for Jun while he dried off Masao's body, but Jun didn't mind, and then he was able to walk across the hall himself to join Jun in his futon. His body, having already spent most of its frustration, was able to calm down enough to take things slower.

He suckled Jun's fingers, explored his body, kissed beneath his navel, took Jun's long, slim cock into his mouth, kissed behind his knees, nipped at his ankles... and then Jun pushed him down and pushed at the insides of Masao's thighs. He couldn't keep track of the sequence after that. He watched Jun touching him, and his mind became heat. He grabbed at Jun's shoulders, but Jun was in control.

Jun was in control, and it was good, so damned good. Masao could only whimper and beg as Jun pushing into him, moved into him, his slow, methodical thrust causing Masao to dig his fingertips into Jun's back. There was nothing but heat and Jun's control, and it made Masao feel wild.

He came first, unable to hold out even though it was his second time, but that just made it easier to clamp down on Jun, hold him in. Even Jun couldn't hold out much longer after that. Masao didn't want to let go, not of all that heat, that amazing, unbelievable heat. He wrapped his legs around Jun as best he could and kissed him as if they could swallow each other whole.

He never wanted this to end.

"Right now, you don't seem so old, mm?" Jun whispered, nuzzling against Masao's neck.

Masao grinned. He didn't feel that old at the moment, either. "A testament to your considerable skill. Mm. I don't think... I've ever felt so good..." He closed his eyes, and wrapped his arms around Jun. He knew, in theory, they had to separate. Just... not yet. Since he'd only just gotten to hold onto this man...

"How in the world did a man like you end up getting married?" Jun laughed softly, though if Masao was thinking about things more clearly, he might have thought there was a bit of bitterness in Jun's question as well.

Masao smiled, and caressed Jun's back. "It would be awfully childish to say that I was forced into it. Even at school, when preparing for job interviews, we were always told... you know, to say that we were engaged or planning to get engaged quickly. Companies like to hire men who have dependents, after all. I... I let it happen, I suppose."

Stifling a chuckle, Jun flicked Masao's nipple absently. "Did your parents have some reason to be concerned or something?"

"Oh, well... I think they probably always had suspicions. But it's not like they ever caught me or I told them anything..." Masao ran his fingers through the hair at the back of Jun's neck.

Jun rubbed his chin against Masao's chest. "You don't seem like the kind of guy who would make his parents suspicious. Were you different as a child?"

"What do you mean by different?" Masao laughed. "I guess in a way I was different. Weren't you? I've never had any interest in girls, not even to experiment. That wasn't necessary for me. So naturally, I never had a girlfriend. In college, I shared an apartment with another guy. That shouldn't have been too suspicious, though it was a fairly small place.

"Oh, they might have gotten suspicious, as you say, when I was in third grade and declared that I wanted to be Daikawa-sensei's wife."

Jun's laughter made Masao smile brightly.

"I was very serious at the time." Masao brushed Jun's hair back. "Daikawa-sensei... had long, beautiful fingers. I loved to watch him writing on the board."

"Oh, so that's how it started! I suppose I owe your teacher some gratitude, then, huh? I can just picture you, sitting in class... watching your teacher, wanting him to maybe put his hand on your shoulder..." Jun teased him. When he smiled like that, he looked really handsome.

"Hey, hey, I was just a kid! My love for sensei was pure! Completely pure!" Masao objected giddily.

Jun grinned, and poked Masao in the side. "There was nothing pure about it! You wanted to get with your teacher!"

Masao shook his head, laughing. "No, no, that's not it..."

"And you told your parents that! How'd they react?"

Masao closed his eyes and sighed. "Well. I think my mother tried to explain to me... you know, how it wasn't possible. My father..." he trailed off.

"Mm, I get it," Jun replied quietly.

Masao smiled, tightening his grip on Jun. "That wasn't the first time I disappointed him."

"Mm, you're disappointing him right now," Jun commented cheerfully.

He had to laugh at that, because it was true. "What about you? Is this disappointing to your father, too?"

"Mm, well... rather than saying a disappointment... well, my father gave up on me a long time ago. My sister got married a few years ago, though, and her husband took our family name. I guess that means I'm off the hook, huh?" Jun winked at him.

Masao kissed him. He started to think about Hikaru... this was not the situation he wanted to be thinking about his son, but then... Hikaru had never once given thought to being a disappointment to them, had he? He was so confident when he introduced them to Akira-kun, just as if it were normal.

So, he could have been a worse father.

Jun pushed him down forcefully. "You're not thinking about me," he accused.

"Sorry, talking about fathers... is distracting," Masao confessed.

"Mm, well... you want me to clean you up? Are you... I think you probably missed the last train..." Jun hedged.

"Do you mind if I stay the night?" he asked quietly.

Jun kissed him in reply.

It had been a long time since he'd slept so close to another person. The heat from Jun's body kept him awake for a long time, not to mention the strangeness of the room. It was a small apartment, but Masao felt at peace there. He did fall asleep, with his leg in between Jun's and Jun's head on his shoulder. When his cell's alarm went off in the morning, it took him a long time to realize that was a signal to wake up. Jun curled up tighter against his chest, and whimpered slightly.

Without opening his eyes, he grumbled, "Are you really getting up now? What time is it?"

"It must be about five," Masao sighed. "That's when my alarm goes off. Sorry..."

"Five, did you say?" Jun pouted a bit, blinking cutely to try to look at Masao. "That's inhuman."

"I agree. But. It's work," he smiled shyly. He took a chance, and kissed Jun softly. "You don't have to get up."

"Mm. I wanted to help you get dressed..." Jun sighed.

Masao laughed quietly. Suddenly, this seemed really difficult. Was he really supposed to just get up and leave? And...

Never see Jun again?

"Mind if I use your bathroom?" he asked awkwardly.

"Please do," Jun smiled. Even if he didn't do this much at all, he was still more familiar with this sort of thing than Masao. Nervously, Masao kissed Jun's forehead, and then slipped off to wash up. When he got out of the bathroom, Jun was sitting up. He'd put on some underwear, but he still looked very inviting.

"I'm sorry for waking you up so early," Masao apologized.

"It's all right. I can go back to sleep when you're gone," Jun grinned. "You're the one who has to go to work. I should apologize for keeping you up so late."

"Should?" Masao smiled.

Jun half shrugged, and stood up. "Well. I didn't force you or anything."

Masao laughed, and indulged Jun by letting him dress Masao as if he were a little boy. Of course, he got the pleasure of watching Jun's fingers fastening every button. He wanted to kiss those fingers again, taste them...

Jun... did not date married men. And that was smart of him. Masao respected him. So...

Their time was coming to end, right?

"Should I... make you breakfast, or...?" Jun wondered, rubbing his head. It was way too early, though, for him to eat.

Masao smiled, and kissed Jun's cheek. "Nah, I don't usually eat much in the morning. Maybe I'll pick up an energy bar or something. It's fine."

"You really go into the office their early?" Jun frowned.

"Well, I do have to change my suit," he winked at Jun. "So definitely better to arrive before my subordinates."

"Ah, good point," Jun grinned. "Wouldn't want to start any weird rumors. You keep spare clothes at work?"

"It's not uncommon to have to work overnight or something like that."

"Being a salaryman sucks," Jun mused.

"That's just scratching the surface," Masao agreed.

They were at the genkan. Masao slipped his shoes on, taking more time than he needed. His heart was throbbing painfully. He was just going to... leave?

Just like that?

"Work hard," Jun sounded more tense than his cheerful smile belied.

"Thanks," Masao replied, and then he blushed. Wait, that sounded wrong, didn't it? Although... he was grateful... so he couldn't be selfish...

"You know..." Jun blurted out. "I... I don't date married men."

"I know," Masao nodded.

"But...! Well, I guess..." Jun wrapped his arms around himself, and looked off to the side. "I guess if it was just sex, it would be ok."

Masao blinked. And then he smiled, but he didn't want to seem too hopeful. "Oh... oh, that would be... I wouldn't mind that."

Jun laughed at him. "Wouldn't mind, huh? All right then... ah, let me get my phone." He grabbed his cell off the counter, and came back. Masao got his out, too, and then they traded contact info.

He looked at Jun's contact on his phone, forgetting that Jun could see him until he looked up to see Jun smirking at him. Masao flushed, and put his phone away.

"Then... contact me sometime," he said, trying to sound more casual than he felt.

"I might," Jun replied cheerfully, and then he gave Masao a goodbye kiss.

Sitting on the train on the way to work, he just stared at Jun's contact info.

He was... going to see Jun again.





He was whistling. He was putting on his tie, and whistling. He got embarrassed when he caught his own eye, because he felt more foolish than he could possibly admit, but he couldn't stop himself, either.

It was as if twenty years had disappeared from his life.

He straightened out his sleeves and made sure his cuffs were straight and laying flat. He gave himself a once-over in the mirror. His hair was just at the right length to look really good. In another week or so, he'd need to get it trimmed, but right now, it was perfect. His tie was vibrantly purple, his shirt was the palest shade of lilac, and his black suit was impeccably pressed.

It was a pity that Jun couldn't see him like this.

He shook his head, trying to shake out the stupidity. He went downstairs, forcing himself not to whistle as he did so. The moment that he stepped into the kitchen, shame washed over him completely.

While he'd been admiring himself and thinking about another man, his wife had been down here, preparing a perfect Japanese breakfast for him.

"Morning, dear. Oh, you look nice today. Do you have a meeting?"

Whiplashed, Masao struggled to regain his voice. "Oh... ah... yeah. The usual sort of thing," he fumbled. He reached out to kiss her cheek, but she moved at the wrong moment, and his hand ended up on her bottom instead of her side and his lips ended up on her ear.

She jumped back and blushed, laughing. Neither one of them could meet the other's eyes. "You... ah, you'd better eat, you don't want to be late."

"Th-thank you, dear," he sat down heavily, digging into his rice quickly to occupy his mouth.

Ridiculous, embarrassing... shameful.

Even now, as Mitsuko did the dishes, he was thinking about Jun's fingers.

He finished his meal quickly, gathered his dishes, and brought them to his wife. She was humming as she finished up rinsing off the bowl in her hands. She practically jumped when he set down his plates. "Oh, you scared me! You didn't have to...!"

"No, no, why not?" he smiled, feeling a fresh wave of guilt pass over him. He usually let her wait on him, didn't he? Awkwardly, he patted her shoulder. "W-well, I'm off."

"Have a good day, dear. Oh, will you be home for dinner?" Her smile seemed a bit strained.

Despite everything, his first thought was to hope that he would be otherwise occupied. "Oh, um, I'm not sure, I don't know how the day will go. Don't wait for me."

It might have been his imagination, but she seemed a bit relieved. "Well, don't overdo it. Work hard!"

"Have a good day," he replied.

He took a deep breath when he left the kitchen. As he put on his shoes, he noticed that there will tiger lilies on the shelf in the genkan.






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