title: that voodoo
fandom: Attack on Titan
characters/pairings: Hanji, Levi's (1rst) Squad, Levi, Erwin
rating: T
warnings: inappropriate commandering
summary: Levi's squad is worried about him, so they go to Hanji
notes: written for berrrystrawberry, from this prompt: Imagine if Erwin had a Levi voodoo doll. What do you think he'd do? WELL, we all know exactly what he'd do, don't we??

Hanji was fiddling with a dysfunctional 3DMG Erwin had allowed Hanji to experiment with when Petra marched into the lab with a determined look on her face, followed by Oluo and Eld. Hanji peered past them to see Günter hovering in the doorway. Levi, however, was nowhere in sight. Faint hope blossomed in Hanji's heart. "Have you... come to volunteer for my experi--?"

"Hell no!" Oluo cut Hanji off. "Who would volunteer out of the bl--"

"There's something wrong with Captain Levi!" Petra cut Oluo off, intensely looking at Hanji.

"Wrong? With Levi?" Hanji laughed. Hanji could think of a few things that might be considered to be 'wrong' with Levi, but even in the coldest of winters, he never even sneezed, so...

"Wrong!" Petra insisted forcefully. "His cravat wasn't tied properly, and even when he tried to fix it, it kept coming undone! At breakfast, we were all eating, when suddenly he made a... a... a noise, and he spilled his eggs, and then he excused himself to go the bathroom, but he didn't even clean up the eggs, Hanji, he just left them on the table."

"That does sound..." Hanji started, but then Eld cut in.

"We were going through morning exercises and he went to the bathroom again. And when we were feeding the horses, he went to the bathroom again. And when we got on the horses, his face turned red, and he got off his horse immediately," Eld fussed.

"He's been flushed and his pupils have been dilated, and his breathing has been ragged, and he's gone to the bathroom a total of twelve times since he got up!" Petra threw her arms up in the air in dismay.

Hanji looked at Petra in amazement. "You keep track of how often Levi goes to the bathroom?"

"Of course I do I'm an elite soldier naturally I know how often my Captain needs to go to the bathroom," Petra leaned forward, and Hanji couldn't resist gulping.

"Really?" Oluo turned to Eld, and then looked back at Günter. "We're supposed to--?"

"He couldn't even finish sweeping the courtyard without going to the bathroom! Hanji! You have to do something!" Petra waved her arms around, and Hanji would find it cute and funny, but Petra was worried about Levi. And.

Hanji took a deep breath, and looked at Petra. "I... think I know what's going on here..."

"You do?" Petra looked more surprised than Hanji could be happy about. "Is he going to be all right?"

Hanji had to smile, because Petra looked so terrified. Fighting titans couldn't shake this girl, but the thought of Captain Levi developing an illness had her shaking in her boots. "Yes, of course. I just... Do you know where he is?"

"Best guess? Bathroom," Günter replied glumly.

"Right." Hanji nodded confidently at them, and swept away to find Levi.

It only took a minute to get to the officer's lavatory. As soon as Hanji opened the door, the sound of Levi making... noises could be heard. Hanji stepped right outside the compartment Levi occupied. Summoning up the courage required to be a scientist in a broken world, Hanji plastered on a grin for good measure, and boomed out, "Levi! How are you?"

"...Shitty four-eyes, fuck off," Levi growled.

"...Yeah, ok, about that..." Hanji coughed. "Look, ummm... I'm going to tell you something, but I want you to understand... I was just following orders." Levi's silence was enough to encourage Hanji to continue. "Ok so the thing is Erwin asked me to make a voodoo doll of you and I forget why he wanted it but it was hilarious so I did it and I followed the instructions to the letter see but when I gave it Erwin I don't remember what he was going to do with it but all he's done with it is, uh... takeoffitsclothesandrubitscrotch." Hanji winced, waiting for Levi to respond.

It was very quiet, and then Hanji heard Levi fasten his pants. The door to the compartment slammed open, and Levi glared at Hanji with enough cold fury to cause Hanji to fall over dead. In a low, lethal voice, Levi asked, "Where is Erwin now?"

"I... I think his office?" Hanji squeaked. Squeaking was highly unscientific. This was bad.

Levi stalked out of the lavatory, a foul aura following him.

Hanji took a deep breath, slumped against the wall, and thanked the dead gods that Levi focused all his rage on Erwin. That poor bastard.

Shaken, but still excited about the work on the 3DMG, Hanji headed back to the lab. Levi's squad was still hanging around. Petra looked nervous, and Oluo was poking at Hanji's work.

Before Petra could speak, Oluo looked at Hanji. "Just what are you doing with this?"

"Oh, are you interest--?" Hanji brightened.

"What about Captain Levi?" Petra demanded.

Hanji considered how to reply, when a sound like a desk getting thrown aside disturbed them. That sound was followed by muffled voices, and then Erwin's voice was clearly audible, repeating over and over, Now, Levi, wait... Levi! Levi!! There was another crash, and then more muffled voices, and then quiet.

Then Commander Erwin Smith went flying by the window of the lab.

Hanji sighed, exasperated.

"Was that...?" Oluo pointed to the window, dazed. Eld quickly went to the window.

"It's ok! He's ok! He landed in a bush, he's fine! ...I think? He's not really moving..." The three boys crowded around the window to look at Erwin sprawled out in a bush.

Petra had her mouth cutely covered with her hands, and she was looking from the window to Hanji, her eyes asking a million questions.

"Yo, shitty four-eyes," Levi was at the door holding out a cloth sack. Hanji quickly went to take it from him. Sure enough, inside, there was the now-naked Levi voodoo doll. Levi grabbed Hanji's lapel, and pulled Hanji down to look into Hanji's eyes. "Whatever you did to do that, undo it."

"Yessir," Hanji gulped.

"Captain?" Petra asked fearfully.

"What are you four doing lollygagging around here?" he asked them, straightening up. "Get to work!"

"Yessir!" all four of them said immediately, standing at attention before scurrying off like little bees.

Hanji suppressed a smirk, and asked Levi quietly, "Will Erwin...?"

"Not for a long time," Levi informed Hanji darkly, and then he swept off.

Hanji took a deep breath, and looked at the voodoo doll in the sack. Hanji had the urge to tickle its belly, but just the thought of Erwin flying out of his office was enough to squelch that urge. Hanji tied the sack off and shoved it into the back of a drawer in the desk. Hanji would have to research unvoodooing a doll. For now, though... Hanji went back to the table with the 3DMG, and frowned.

"What the..." Hanji poked at a few moving parts. Damn that Oluo! He'd touched it!

Hanji nearly had everything back to where it was before Levi's squad invaded the lab when the sound of a man dragging one leg behind him as he struggled down the hall could be heard. Hanji looked up and smiled sympathetically at Erwin as he shuffled by.

"Was it worth it?" Hanji asked.

Erwin paused, shrugged with the half of his body that wasn't sore, and then a slow, goofy grin spread across his face and Hanji's heart dropped. "Yeah," he admitted.

"Serves you right, then," Hanji dismissed and got back to work on science, damn it.