title: Nagisa Knows Best
fandom: Free!
characters/pairings: implied Makoto/Rin, implied Haruka/Makoto/Rin, Nagisa/Rei, Gou
rating: Teen
warnings: porn, Nagisa, Nagisa with porn, Makoto can be dense
summary: Makoto has a problem, but fortunately Nagisa has the solution.
notes: a cracky idea that amused the hell out of me, and then i forgot it, and then i remembered just as i was going to bed so i messaged myself the idea. not part of any series, just some crack.

"-and their diet is just fish, really, well, in the wild, krill and other things, oh, they eat squid! Which is really cheap! So I don't think it would be that hard to keep one!" Nagisa beamed at Rei as they entered the swimming club's locker room.

Rei wasn't moved by Nagisa's passionate appeal, though. He merely straightened his glasses, his face screwed up in that look he got when he was trying deny Nagisa's cuteness. "I'm 93.7% certain that keeping penguins as pets is illegal."

"Aw, there's always ways around stuff like that," Nagisa scoffed, upping his cuteness appeal by at least two or three factors. Rei was now out and out looking away from him.

Someday, Nagisa was going to have a pet penguin named Iwachan!

He was about to say something more, but something caught his attention. That is, something that he should have been aware of as soon as they entered the locker room moaned softly and rocked back and forth. "Mako-chan! What's wrong? Where's Haru-chan?" Nagisa looked around. If Mako-chan was upset, it was probably because Haru-chan was worrying him, right?

"Oh," Makoto looked up, his face painted in misery. "He threw his clothes off at top speed and ran out to jump in the pool. Didn't even go to the bathroom or anything. Said something about it's been too long and then I think he said pool-chan but I really hope I was wrong..." Makoto sighed.

Nagisa and Rei looked at each other. Haruka most definitely said pool-chan.

Nagisa smiled brightly and crouched in front of Makoto. "Well, what's wrong? You look miserable!" he declared cheerfully.

"N-Nagisa-kun!" Rei stuttered.

Makoto sighed, and looked away. "I... I don't know what to do... I..." he bit his lip, clearly pondering whether or not he should unburden himself to his kohai. To help him decide, Nagisa puffed out his cheeks and started to hum the national anthem as if he were a portly old-timey bodybuilder. "Well... You know how... since the regionals... Things with Rin have gotten, you know, like they used to be." Makoto looked at Nagisa uncertainly.

"Yup!" Nagisa beamed. "Our old Rin-Rin is back!"

"So... since he's been spending time with us again and everything... I just... I know that he and Haru have this... special bond. And I'm their friend! So, I've been trying to do everything I can to help them along... you know..." he looked at Nagisa fearfully.

Nagisa just barely managed to not roll his eyes back into the recesses of his brain, but he did share an exasperated look with Rei. "You know, those two, they're just kind of weird, but they have their own way of communicating..."

"By competing over everything," Makoto sighed.

"Yes," Nagisa nodded. "But they'll be fine on their own."

Makoto looked even more miserable. "They're probably better off! It's happened three times now! I've tried to set things up so Rin and Haru can spend some time alone together, but one thing happens and then something else..." he drifted off, but his bottom lip trembled.

Nagisa patted Makoto's thigh gently. Ooh, his leg felt good... "It's ok, Mako-chan, it's not your responsibility to make sure they're happy, and Rin only just stopped being an asshole, so he probably still needs some time to adjust..." Nagisa caressed Makoto's leg, causing Rei to clear his throat gruffly. Whoops.

"I keep ending up making out with Rin!" Makoto declared unhappily, flinging his arms out.

Nagisa nearly burst out laughing.

"I-I don't know how it happens! A-at first, I thought it was a fluke, and then... then... it happened again... and then last night... oh, god, I'm the worst friend ever!" Makoto wailed, hiding his face in his hands.

Nagisa looked at Makoto's hands and feet. Yeah, that fit, given the size of his...

"I couldn't look at Haru at all today! I just felt so guilty! After all this time, and he and Rin are finally on the same page and everything, and I'm the one getting in his way!" Makoto's shoulders were shaking.

Honestly, for someone so big and sexy, he could be such a baby! Nagisa set his mouth into a firm line, and then pulled his backpack around to rest it on the ground in front of him. "Mako-chan, you are the very definition of pretty but stupid."

"Eh?" Makoto looked at Nagisa shocked.

"Here, there's something that I think you need to see. This might change everything."

Makoto looked at Nagisa with cautious hope. Rei took a step back, and then proceeded to move away from them, beginning to get ready for practice. "Really? You... you can help?"

"Of course I can," Nagisa laughed, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. Who did Makoto think he was dealing with, anyway?! He pulled out the magazine from his pack, and found the appropriate page, making sure to keep the contents a surprise from Makoto.

Rei sighed audibly.

"Here!" Nagisa happily bounced up, shoving the magazine right into Makoto's face.

"Ahh!" Makoto reared back, but Nagisa kept pressing forward. "NAGISA! That's porn! Gay porn!"

"Hell yeah," Nagisa grinned. "Not just any porn, Mako-chan! Look at the porn! What does it tell you?"

"NaGIsaaaaa!" Makoto wailed, trying to avoid the porn. "Why do you even have that with you?"

"I always have this with me," Nagisa shrugged. "I'm a subscriber. Look at the porn, Mako-chan! C'mon, look, look! See... one guy... two guys... I know you can do it, Mako-chan... see... three guys..."

Rei finished undressing and got out his swim suit, trying to keep from laughing. He felt sorry for Makoto-senpai, but finally it was someone else having Nagisa's porn shoved into his face...



Haru slipped into the locker room, still dripping wet. He looked at Nagisa tormenting Makoto for a moment, and then turned a questioning look to Rei.

Rei pulled up his suit quickly, and smiled apologetically at Haruka. "Ah, Nagisa-kun is trying to... explain the concept of a threesome to Makoto-senpai."

"Oh," Haruka replied blankly. He looked again at Nagisa aggressively showing Makoto porn. He walked past Nagisa and Makoto, but he patted Nagisa on the back as he did. "Don't let up until he gets it," he instructed Nagisa.

"Got it!" Nagisa saluted with a comically eager and evil look on his face.

"HARUUUUUUUUU!" Makoto wailed, but Haruka had already gone.

"I guess he did have to go to the bathroom after all," Rei noted. "I'm going out."

"'Kay! Let Gou-chan know we'll be out there once Makoto's learned his porn," Nagisa gleefully replied.

"I'm not going to use those words but ok," Rei replied and left.

"Reiiiiiiiiiiiii," Makoto wept.

"Look, look, Mako-chan, here's another one! See? In this position, one guy is gettin' it from behind and in the mouth at the same time. See? See?"

Haruka came out of the bathroom, looked to make sure Nagisa was doing his job, nodded, and then headed back out.

A half an hour later, Gou was still tapping her foot, looking back, and wondering loudly just how long it would take those two.