title: grasping at straws
fandom: Saiyuki
characters/pairings: Sanzo/Goku
rating: G/Teen
warnings: semi-romantic
summary: Goku can almost remember.
notes: for joannindiw, for her request on fic on demand.

There are times when Goku can almost remember... almost touch his life before the rock. It's only when it's like this... It's still just out of his reach, but it's almost there...

Times like these are so rare, though, and Goku doesn't know how to make them happen. Sanzo is in a good mood, and he isn't scowling. He initiated. It's quiet here, too, quiet enough that Goku can close his eyes, and he can feel it, more than see it.

This inn had plenty of available space, so they each have their own room. Sanzo didn't mind so much when Goku knocked. Probably because Goku knocked... Sanzo didn't mind having him around. It was a good feeling.

He hadn't said anything. Hadn't done anything, either. Maybe it would be the same if it were any of them. Every man had needs. Sanzo was a man, after all. But Goku thought that Sanzo wouldn't be so gentle with the other two. Even with Hakkai, Goku couldn't see Sanzo kissing his belly.

It was because Goku was quiet. He balled his hands up, and clutched at the sheets, but he resisted the urge to grab at Sanzo, to clamber over him, desperate and playful. It was what he wanted, but... He could taste it, now, like the air was different...

Sanzo hadn't even opened his robes, yet. He'd laid aside the scripture, rolling it up carefully and putting it under the pillow. He let Goku touch his face, and Goku had resisted every impulse in his body, and he had just touched Sanzo... Something shifted behind Sanzo's eyes, and he had leaned in and kissed Goku.

Goku had to be still and he had to be good, but since he was, Sanzo had undressed him. Still, he knew Sanzo was watching him, and at the first sign of brattiness, everything would change. Soft kisses would turn to bites, and instead of this, he'd get a quick, rough fuck that would leave him aching and breathless, but so far away from Sanzo.

He shut his eyes tightly, and he could smell it, the air, it wasn't like the air on earth at all... and he felt it, somewhere inside of him, that it wasn't always like this between them, and it wasn't always in this place. There was a time, once, when things were different, but just when he tried to grab the feeling, it slipped away.

"Open your eyes."

It was an order, but it was whispered, and from anyone else, it might have sounded like a plea.

Goku opened his eyes, and he remembered sunshine, unlike any other sunshine, perfect sunshine, the kind of sunshine that made him want to bask forever in its light. In Sanzo's light.

And that's as close as he can get to remembering, but it's close enough, because it's all he needs to know that this is where he's supposed to be, so it doesn't matter if Sanzo gets really annoyed sometimes with him. They belong together, and, somehow, Goku knows that Sanzo knows, too.

He bites his lip until it bleeds to keep from telling Sanzo that he loves him, and Sanzo licks the blood away, avoiding Goku's eyes.

This is where he belongs, he's sure, he thinks he's sure.