title: Death Wish 897: I'm Tired and I Want to Go Home!
fandom: Gintama
characters/pairings: Hijikata, Sougou
rating: G/Teen
warnings: tentacle monster, bazooka, mayonaise
summary: Hijikata is in danger, and Sougou is his only hope.
notes: for haruyuki, for correctly guessing my fic for subrosa.

One wet, slimy tentacle slid around his throat. How many damned tentacles did this monster have?! And where was that one between his legs going!??! Hijikata prided himself on staying cool in combat. He prided himself on never having taken a dump while scared on duty. He prided himself on never whimpering like a four year old girl who just watched her puppy get eaten by an alien prince's latest favorite vicious pet while on duty, either.

Pride was for the weak.

Tentacles covered his arms. Tentacles covered his legs. Tentacles were in places he would never admit to feeling tentacles ever in his life. His gun and his sword were both thrown overboard. The ship was about to take off, with the idiot prince's latest idiot vicious pet, the stupid mad scientist's stupid mad serum, next month's entire shipment of Jump comics worldwide, and him. The tentacle around his throat started to squeeze.

It had never been this bad before. This time... this time, he might really bite it. He really might. That tentacle up his ass was the only thing keeping him from embarrassing himself like Kondou again. And yet... he met the eyes of the only person who gave him even the tiniest shred of hope. It was a tiny shred, but it was there. Hope. He might still get rescued. They might still save the day.

Sougou nodded, and aimed his bazooka.

"MOTHERFUCKER WHY IS THAT THING AIMED AT ME!?!?!?!?"

Tentacle up his ass or no, Hijikata followed his commander's example for the second time, now.





The door to his room slid open. He turned his head the small amount his body cast allowed him to turn to see who it was... and then he frantically tried to wiggle away from the maniacally insane friggin' bastard backstabbing...

"Ah, Hijikata-san, I don't think you're supposed to do that. Please remember that your ass is fully broken. Everyone in the unit has looked over the pictures, and we all agree, that's the most broken ass any of us has ever..."

"SHUT UP. SHUT UP, YOU PSYCHO! GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE NOW! YOU SHOT ME! YOU SHOT ME WITH YOUR GODDAMED BAZOOKA!"

"Huh, yeah." Sougou looked up at the ceiling, scratching his cheek with one finger from the hand that wasn't holding a plate. A plate filled with grenades or something, most likely! "I wonder why you're still alive. I'm going to have to call the manufacturer. I think I got gyped."

"OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BASTARD! I WANT MY MOMMY! I HATE YOU! GET OUT!!"

"Aw, that's ok, Hijikata-san." He tried to wiggle more, but dammit, his ass hurt! Sougou knelt down, and patted the one tuft of hair peeking out from the bandages around his head. "Mommy's here. Mommy will take good care of you, always."

Hijikata whimpered. Whimpered like the four year old girl whose puppy was just eaten and now that stupid prince's pet was licking its massive jaws and eying her like candy. "You wanna kill me. YOU REALLY WANNA KILL ME. You nearly let the mission go to hell! It had to be saved by that damned perm, and he only cared about the Jump."

"Yes, yes, mistakes were made all around," Sougou sighed. "Sure, I lost my focus and nearly caused everything to fail. Sure, you picked a bad time to spread your legs and moan like a cheap, cheap whore for that tentacle monster. The point is, somehow you're still alive, and somehow, no one is pressing charges against us, so I think at the end of the day, everything is just fine, right?"

"Get out," Hijikata sniffled. "Get out and never come back! I'll press SOMETHING into your chest, next time I can use my arms! SOMETHING LIKE MY SWORD, YOU BASTARD!"

Sougou was quiet for a moment, still. He just... watched Hijikata squirm with those huge, unfathomable eyes. And then he set the plate down next to Hijikata. "Here. Lunch. I put on extra mayonnaise. Just how you like it." He watched Hijikata for a moment longer... and then he got up and left.

Hijikata eyed the plate. All that mayo... food of the gods! He licked his lips. It was probably poisoned! But that would be a better way to go than in the too-loving embrace of a tentacle monster. He edged closer. He... he tried to tilt.

He let out a wild scream of anguish. That bastard... that incomparable ass!!

He left the mayo out of reach!!!








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