title: Small Talk, Third Try
fandom: DC Comics
characters/pairings: Bruce/Dick, Tim, Alfred
rating: G
warnings: movie snarking
summary: Dick makes Bruce watch movies, and Tim and Alfred talk and train at the same time.
notes: taking this fic seriously is bad for your health. this fic is intended to be used solely for humorous purposes.

"Don't I get any say in this?"


"But - "

"Bruce, you need to relax, I've heard good things about this movie."

"There are other things that help me unwind. I'm quite fond of them actually. If you'd just take your pants off, I'll show you..."

"After the movie, lover, I swear."

"It's about a professional killer!"

"A comedy about a professional killer. Starring John Cusak!"

"Is that a good thing?" dubiously.



"If I may be so bold, Master Timothy, I believe you need to aim a bit higher to achieve the desired effect."

"Yeah, well, there's aiming high, and there's actually getting the thing to go high."

"As you say sir."

"Maybe I should pop upstairs and ask Dick or Bruce -"

"Don't. Sir."

"Maybe they'd be looking forward to the -"


Sighs. "It's frustrating."

"I know, sir, Master Dick actually had the same trouble. A bit a persistence is all that's required."

"I know. Actually, I meant, this thing with them."


"I'm sorry, Alfred, I don't know, really, what I mean."

"This is so unrealistic. From that angle..."


"When did this start?"


"Between them? How long... have they always..."

"Master Timothy! Master Dick was younger than you when he came to live here! And I can assure you, Master Bruce has never harmed any child!"

"I know! I know! I didn't mean... it's just... even when I was a kid and collecting everything I could about them, it seemed like, well, they fit or were meant to be together or something... I don't know."

"Ah. Yes, well, they have had quite a history. And for several spans of consecutive minutes in it they have gotten on quite well."

"So when did it start? When does it go from partnership to... partnership?"

"I'm sure neither of them ever told me. Is there something worrying you, young sir? Are you concerned about your place here? Because I can assure you..."

"No! No! I know where I stand with each of them! I just... I don't know."

"heh. Sergeant Pepper. heh."

A grumble.


"I guess I'm just confused. When I first came here, I thought I knew everything about them, 'cause I was so interested in them growing up, but I didn't really. Until the day I first saw them together, and actually got that they were together, I thought they were like, you know, father and son."

"Ah. Well, most people think that, sir. I believe that it part of the reason Master Bruce won't come 'out', because of the innuendo. But, Master Timothy, Master Bruce has never been a father to Master Dick. He tried, Lord knows, when Master Dick was a child and had just lost his parents, Master Bruce did try to be a father. But he had too much fear, too much of his own pain, I believe, clouded his ability to connect with Master Dick. The closer he got, the more he had to deal with his own demons. And, much to my own shame, he simply couldn't. So for years, he pushed Master Dick away. I was more a father to him than Master Bruce. Most people don't know that. Even Ms. Gordon, I believe, quietly judges Master Bruce for seducing his son, although she has her own reasons, I'm sure, for that."

"I don't judge Bruce, honestly, I just... Sorry, Alfred. I just don't know what I'm trying to say."

"Ha hahaha!"



"See, this is so...! In order for the kid not to hear all that gunfire...!"


"And a blast that size...!"

"Shut up."

"I guess it's just... for so long they were so close but not... and now... when did they first realize? Is it like the cheesy romance movies, were they quietly longing for each other and then... or was it..."

"Hmm. Again, I'm sure neither ever told me. However, I know that while Master Bruce has never had a pedophilic impulse, he still probably felt the first longing long before he was willing to admit it. And for Master Dick, well, I'm sure his feelings influenced his leaving."

"Yeah. I just wonder... how do you go from being close and such to being... how do you know?"

"That the affection you feel is actually love? I'm sure Master Bruce and Master Dick would be the last person to be able to answer the question. Sometimes I believe it is truly a miracle they talk to each other, much less..."

"I don't know."

"Wicked cool."

"Totally unrealistic."

"Shut up."

"I just wonder if it will ever happen to me, I guess."

"Sir? I'm not sure I know what you mean. I know at times it seems all super-types fancy the same sex but..."

"No! I mean, love. I watch them together, and I've always wanted to be part of that. When I was young, I waned to be partners like that, working with someone so flawlessly... And now, I see them, and I know they drive each other crazy... but I see all the things I never saw, like how much they need each other, how much they help each other, how much they truly love each other, and I wonder. Will I ever get that? 'Cause it's so rare, you know, and I see it, and I don't want to live my whole life without it."

"Ah. Ah. I see. Sir. Yes. I know at times it seems like the cynics are right. But honestly, sir, I don't think it is a case a fate or some such thing. Living with Master Bruce has taught me, you make your own destiny. People who have great love in them share that love in their life. And people who are willing to dedicate themselves to protecting others, who sacrifice so much of their own lives for the lives of everyone else, has great love in them. If anything, you should take heart in Master Bruce and Master Dick's love. If that is what you desire for yourself in life, I believe you will find it. You are, after all, and exemplary detective."

"Thanks, Alfred."


"I don't see what's so funny."

"He just killed Dan Aykroyd with a TV set! I honestly can't explain the joke any better than that!"


"Shut up."

"Have you ever been in love, Alfred?"

"Only with my sons, sir."

"What about Babs?"

"Ah, sir, well, not everyone's love story can have a happy ending."


"And you Master Timothy? Anyone special in you life?"

"Two. Well, maybe three. Actually..."

"Master Timothy!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to be like Bruce! I have to go in stages! I can't just jump straight to the happily ever after!"


"Don't worry, you'll like the second movie I got. It'll help put us in the mood..." An exaggerated wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

"I was in the mood before the movie."

"It has Ewan McGregor."


"Of course! And the plot is basically inscrutable, so the only thing to do is watch Ewan...and cuddle... and imitate..."

"Ah. Well, pop it in!"

"Later. Movie first."

Some struggling and tickling and such.